I find that achieving peace in my heart can be very hard when my mind is consumed by past relationships and when I define my happiness on my close relationships. I've realized in the past 6th months that the people I surround myself with, although they may make me laugh and I may have good times with them, they are for the most part shitty-ass friends. They are the people who hit you up Thursday-Saturday, but you would never actually want to tell them anything personal because they would never want to know. They are the people who go to great lengths to get attention from others, and will forgo their "friendship" with you to simply hook up with someone they barely know. They are the people that would rather make their own mistakes than listen to any experience or advice you have because they think you're just being bitchy and "don't understand" their situation.
To these friends: I'm ready to let you all go. You have some redeeming qualities, but they do not outweigh the selfishness of your hearts and your superficial ways of life. You use people, plain and simple and when people don't say what you want to hear you shut them down and out. You insult them, you talk behind their back and don't ever stop for a second to put yourself in their shoes. You have so little experiences in life and even less empathy and can not possibly make yourself happy. You are co-dependent and crave the drama or otherwise just do what you want regardless of the feelings of others and expect the people you know you are hurting to be okay with it. You make the people you hurt feel inferior because you lie and say that was not your intention, etc.
I know what you are doing, even though you may be too dim to even recognize you are doing it: you are getting what you want and don't care who you take down in the process. You are selfish, and I can't handle it at all anymore. I'm a horrible judge of character, I give people too many second chances and I constantly get hurt by simply being nice to people whom I know will bring more stress and pain to my life than laughter or companionship. I need to be done with this nonsense of allowing these people into my life.
I want to relax, I want to be around people that bring me happiness or calmness. I'm hoping I can weed out anyone who doesn't bring these things to a relationship or even an acquaintance so that I don't have to be around the negative energy, it does absolutely nothing good for the universe.
Great cover of Bob Marley's High Tide or Low Tide, it's beautiful.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
I should be writing a couple papers...
Instead here I am, listening to my hiphop/r&b shit playlist facebooking and blogging about places I will go and things I will do. Hopefully something I'll do tomorrow is start and finish that 4-5 page research paper and remember to do my other homework.
Today is a Sunday, so naturally instead of doing homework I let my mind wander to my social life, a replacement car for the one I totaled a couple weeks ago, and my ex-boyfriend among other things. And since He's on my mind again I end up at the mall around 6pm tonight, realizing I need some retail therapy since I can't stop thinking about my 3 year relationship with a guy I no longer speak to. Thank God it's the holidays and the mall is open until 9pm on Sundays...I buy myself 3 pairs of jeans, justifying my purchase with the fact that I'll be going to San Jose, CA in less than 2 weeks and it's COLD there. What can I say, I'm definitely a desert rat and cut every pair of jeans I own into shorts last summer.
The electricity is out at my apartment complex, so I go to join some friends over at the University's library to "study". It turns out however that a guy I can't stand to be around (lots of negative energy surrounds him) is studying with my friends. I decide to avoid the conflict, study by myself on the 4th floor of the library. My friend says she feels really bad about it, but she can't do anything about it.
My instinct in this instance is to say exactly what's on my mind...like why on earth would you not just get up and leave? Or tell him to fuck off? Or say that I'm coming to study with you later, he should sit somewhere else? You know this guy causes nothing but grief in your life and mine. I refrain and just tell my friend it's fine, I don't understand why this guy always has to ruin my fun but it's not a big deal, shrug my shoulders and continue with my school work/ searching for a DJ internship / DJ software for macs. Lesson learned from today: I feel so much better from just letting it go instead of lecturing my friend on not hanging out with this guy.
It's such a small ordeal, but honestly things that bother me concerning my friends can really cause me anxiety or make me upset enough to change my mood. I usually just vent and feel better- however I've been finding the less I speak badly about people and keep bad thoughts to myself or to a minimum, the happier and more carefree of a person I am. And I love that, because I like to "keep it drama free" as Chris Brown would say. I want to embody a statement I read on the Happiness Project today: "I try very hard not to have people in my life that talk bad about other people and attract drama. I have zero tolerance for self-inflicted drama."
I love music and have to share one of my all time favorites that always calms me down and leaves me feeling carefree:
Today is a Sunday, so naturally instead of doing homework I let my mind wander to my social life, a replacement car for the one I totaled a couple weeks ago, and my ex-boyfriend among other things. And since He's on my mind again I end up at the mall around 6pm tonight, realizing I need some retail therapy since I can't stop thinking about my 3 year relationship with a guy I no longer speak to. Thank God it's the holidays and the mall is open until 9pm on Sundays...I buy myself 3 pairs of jeans, justifying my purchase with the fact that I'll be going to San Jose, CA in less than 2 weeks and it's COLD there. What can I say, I'm definitely a desert rat and cut every pair of jeans I own into shorts last summer.
The electricity is out at my apartment complex, so I go to join some friends over at the University's library to "study". It turns out however that a guy I can't stand to be around (lots of negative energy surrounds him) is studying with my friends. I decide to avoid the conflict, study by myself on the 4th floor of the library. My friend says she feels really bad about it, but she can't do anything about it.
My instinct in this instance is to say exactly what's on my mind...like why on earth would you not just get up and leave? Or tell him to fuck off? Or say that I'm coming to study with you later, he should sit somewhere else? You know this guy causes nothing but grief in your life and mine. I refrain and just tell my friend it's fine, I don't understand why this guy always has to ruin my fun but it's not a big deal, shrug my shoulders and continue with my school work/ searching for a DJ internship / DJ software for macs. Lesson learned from today: I feel so much better from just letting it go instead of lecturing my friend on not hanging out with this guy.
It's such a small ordeal, but honestly things that bother me concerning my friends can really cause me anxiety or make me upset enough to change my mood. I usually just vent and feel better- however I've been finding the less I speak badly about people and keep bad thoughts to myself or to a minimum, the happier and more carefree of a person I am. And I love that, because I like to "keep it drama free" as Chris Brown would say. I want to embody a statement I read on the Happiness Project today: "I try very hard not to have people in my life that talk bad about other people and attract drama. I have zero tolerance for self-inflicted drama."
I love music and have to share one of my all time favorites that always calms me down and leaves me feeling carefree:
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